So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
