fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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