Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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