she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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