Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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