i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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