there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
