How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
