a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
