I want to have your abortion
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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