Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
