Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
