I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
