I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
