I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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