R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
