i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
