My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
