your parents love me but you hate me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
