This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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