My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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