So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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