I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
