It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
