is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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