walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
