Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
