if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
