im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
