i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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