I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
