I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
