Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
