I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
