update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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