it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
