Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
