Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need to sanitize my soul.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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