I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
