my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
