I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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