I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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