you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
