respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
