You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
