I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
