Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
i already hear my dad disowning me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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