Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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