You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
