i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
