I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
