If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
