Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
