There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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