loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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