Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
