Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think my moral compass just broke
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
