i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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