We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
